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Archive for the ‘Frânturi…’ Category

Broken hearts

 

  • C’mon ! Jump ! Embrace it Em ! There’s nothing for us here, but smiles, dancing and oblivion.

She jumped,  the pale pink oh her dress swallowed by water, her last words lost in the autumn wind. When she reached surface, her blue eyes were beaming, the sunset reflecting its fire in her determination.

And that’s how she will remember Lila. Like the girl who tumbled into the river even though the water was freezing, like there was nothing there to stop her (beside that nasty cold she got after that). A smile slowly curved her trembling lips. That moment engraved in a frame in her memories.

She looked at the cloudy sky, and raised the beer bottle.

  • For the mess you were, for not giving up on me, for taking that leap of faith when the world didn’t give us the slightest chance; I miss you! You horrible selfish person. You left me behind, you … you…

As the first stars peered through the clouds, lighting the grave, the moon found in its shine, a curled up Em asleep and a couple of empty bottles, scattered in the grass. There was so much pain and tiredness engraved in her features.  So she watched over them that night, making sure they’ll see each other one last time, in a place where sorrow couldn’t reach them.

 

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Ziua era pe sfârșite. Stătea pe verandă , sorbind din berea rece, în timp ce soarele se ascundea după munți.  Își mută privirea spre răsadul de flori; buzele arcuindu-i-se într-o jumătate de zâmbet. Avea urme de pământ pe obrazul stâng , și o dâră verde pe tâmpla dreaptă.  Își studie degetele și  dosul palmelor în lumina târzie; i se uscase pielea pentru că uitase să-și cumpere mănuși noi, și circumstanțele impuseseră să-și vâre mâinile, fără urmă de regret,  în pământ.  Gândul îi făcu umerii să i se scuture involuntar.

Își întinse picioarele ușor bronzate,lăsând să-i scape un suspin de plăcere. Lucrase ore în șir, în căldura zilei de aprilie, apreciind schimbarea de vreme.  Era și timpul ca ea și ploaia să ia o pauză pentru un timp. Nu că i-ar fi displăcut. Dimpotrivă. Și-a primit primul sărut în ploaie. Prima despărțire. A absolvit liceul cu pantofii ei preferați înmuiați într-o ploaie spontană de vară. Și-a semnat actele de divorț într-o seară rece, umedă de septembrie. Din gând în gând, amintirile i se agățară de gene, și îi umeziră ochii căprui.

Respiră adânc, și piguli firele invizibile de praf de pe blugi.  Exista un motiv pentru care trecutul trebuia să rămână în trecut. Dar cu imaginile derulându-i-se pe retină, îi era cam greu să-și aminteasă motivul. Scutură, cu maxilarul încleștat, viguros din cap, cu intenția de a-și limpezi privirea și gândurile. Șuvițe de păr prăfuite i se desprinseseră din păr odată cu mișcarea, acoperindu-i chipul trist.

Se ridică, nesigură pe picioare. Cu sticla de bere pe jumătate băută, coborî scările. Adună instrumentele de grădinărit, și-și îndreptă pașii spre casă, cu lumina lunii urmărindu-i umbra. În noapte aia, ploaia a stat departe de geamul ei.

Dimineața o prinse cu coșul plin ochi, răsucindu-se cu lista în mână, prin supermarket. Cumpărăturile de miercuri, erau un ritual de care nu se despărțea decât rareori. Cu o noapte în urmă nu reușise să-și potolească pofta de pui shanghai. Păstrase pe limbă, gustul puiului tras în unt ,acoperit de aroma dulce-acrișoară a sosului. Stomacul i se agită în anticipare, și zgomotul o făcu să strângă stânjenită din pleoape.

Pentru o secundă, devenise conștientă de sine, și privi curioasă în jur. De când se mutase înapoi în orașul natal, prefera-se să fie cât mai invizibilă cu putiință. Dar adevărul era că nu mai cunoaștea decât o mână de persoane, și ocazional generația de după 95’ care își vizitau pe timp de vară părinții sau bunicii, bucurându-se de liniștea unui orășel mic, munții din jur și barajul care le fusese cel mai bun profesor de înot.

  • Pot să-ți fac oricând rost de miere mai naturală, decât cea pe care o ții tu în mână.

Tresări, luată prin surprindere, mai să scape borcanul. Fusese atât de ruptă de realitate, că nu băgă de seamă că se zgâia insistent la etichetă. Pentru că, cumva, cuvintele refuzau să-i iasă pe gură, aprobă, încurcată.  Acum își amintise, de ce prefera să iasă la cumpărături, dimineața devreme, când magazinul erau aproape gol.

  • Atunci, trec diseară să-ți aduc unul. Îmi pare bine să te văd, Anya.

I-a zâmbit încântat, și a șters-o.  Cât despre ea, rămase ca o idioată în mijlocul culoarului nevenindu-i să creadă.

Să fie al naibii. Ce tocmai s-a întâmplat? La ce tocmai a fost de acord ?

În timp ce își punea produsele pe bandă; cu inima aproape să-i sară din piept, la toate modurile în care el putea să o dea peste cap DIN NOU; primii picuri de ploaie se așezau pe acoperișul marketului.

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So i stood still in the middle

of the street

my stare empty

waiting

for a warm hand

to pull me back into the sunlight

I waited for so long outside my window

but the „home” feeling

never passed by.

It was only the ice cold wind that took mercy

and took a grasp

at my shattered insides

trying

to pull me back into a whole

And for a while

i could see myself again

a shallow slippery self

but a self nonetheless

At first light

the ice melted from my veins

not knowing that

it will loosen the thread

I couldn’t blame her

for that was her doing

to dust away the shadows.

Sometimes. The shadow grows roots inside you and there’s no light to turn back to.

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You could use a bit of magic

All of a sudden her palms were sweaty and she couldn’t find her words, the images in her head becoming a blur. And this was not a really good time for her to get nervous. The whole audience was starring at her with their almost bored gazes and anxious for the ceremony to come to an end. She had to deliver a speech. But where the fuck were her word? She swiped her palms across the dress and took a deep breath. It seemed like ages till she could open her mouth again.

  • Dear ladies and gentlemen I proudly present you the graduates of 2015’s class.

In all the cheering and whistling, she turned to the stage’s exit. And when she thought things couldn’t get worse, her heel got stuck in a crack and before she could realize, she lost balance. The words flew out of her mouth like birds escaping their cage “Fuck this ! “. Almost made a fool outta herself, almost cringe at the picture of her kissing the floor or better, trolling over the stairs and ending in a pile of black, gold and green mess.

Steady hands made her regain balance, and made sure she won’t lose it again. There was amusement and concerned both mixed in the gaze that met hers, which made her stupid stupid heart skip a beat.

  • You look like you needed a hand … or two, he whispered oh so charmingly.
  • Yeah, I guess so ; she replied regaining her breath and some of her dignity.
  • Care to join me on a walk ? and before she could answer he took her hand and made their way out of there.
  • But ! Their all in there … she glanced back at her colleagues , while her words got lost in the cheering of the crowd.
  • They won’t even notice you’re missing !
  • No, I suppose not.

Out on the walk side, he let her hand go, and opened the car’s door.

  • How about we play a trust game here? he faced her smiling sheepishly.
  • That’s a lot to ask, considering I barely know you.
  • We’ve been in the same class for 3 years now. I think is safe to say you know me enough to consider this.

She took a moment to think, while her gaze measured him from top to bottom. The idea of evading graduation ceremony was completely scandalous, and she had to admit a bit tempting. But who’s gonna tell her friends why and where she disappeared without a word, and who’s gonna deliver the end speech… and there was so many things to do after the ceremony…

  • You’re thinking to much and to loud. You’re 2 hours away from graduating and after this nobody’ll give a fuck. C’mon Jones, let’s do something excited.
  • Screw you, she said without remorse, getting her proper self back.
  • That sounds promising …

She couldn’t help smile , seeing the sparkles in his eyes. She could catch fire from those. He’ll burn her.

  • Fine ! Cuz making deals with the devil is such a lovely way to start your life as an adult. Fine, she repeated stubbornly. Let’s go !

The heels kicked the pavement , just to makes sure her mind was in the right place and she wasn’t still on that damn stage daydreaming instead of facing the crowd. She landed on the passenger seat and gazed excited at the sky.

  • So where do you wanna go ? he said half laughing, looking at her like she was the most exotic thing in the world, which was not by the way.
  • Just drive, she smiled back liking her lips in anticipation. We’ll know when we get there.

Such a cheesy thing to say. Such a clisee, she thought surprised. But. The hell with everything. If he intended to play, she’ll give him play. The excitement roared into her belly, threatening to swallow her entirely. But she was ready to give one last chance to magic.

  • You don’t disappoint Jones. You just don’t.

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Mi te-ai agățat de gene

și-ai pictat povești

pe spatele pleoapelor

să-mi țină de urât în vise

M-ai privit amuzat

în timp ce

construiam agitată

legături spre tine

Te-am inspirat adânc

și mi-ai înfășurat fiecare nerv

în tremur

fiecare celulă

în dependență de mirosul tău

Mi-ai rătăcit gândurile

și ai lăsat vina

să-mi schilodească

încrederea

Ai plecat înainte

să mă dezmeticesc

și-ai lăsat îndoiala

să zdrobească și ultima

fărâmă de entuziasm.

Ai lăsat în urmă

furie și semne de întrebare.

 

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If only it could

There was a long night ahead of her. It was only eight o’clock. There were 20 minute left till the damn buss arrived. The rain was pouring, and her bones ache. She was too tired to pay attention to the shiver that shot through her spine. With the music pounding in her ears, and her eyes locked on the phone, eating the story word by word, she locked herself. She couldn’t care less about the people surrounding her. She just wanted to go home, take a hot shower, get cozy, a cup of tea, a few more pages and maybe some sleep.

There was a minute there, she needed to take a breath of fresh air. It happened sometimes, when the story got through her. So she lift her head, and her heart skipped a beat. For a fraction of a second, she saw his face. His eyes were watching her. Or so she thought.

Her vision become blurry, as he passed by. Her entire being wanted to fallow his steps. To make sure that he wasn’t a trick of her foolish heart. But still, she stood steady, her mind blank.

It was only, when she got home and locked the door behind, that her feet crumbled like a pack of cards beneath her. She hated the way she would obsess over him, over and over again, till there was no more pain, no more tears. Only numbness.

She didn’t remember for how long her back leaned against the front door, her knees up to her chest, thoughts spinning in her head, without any direction. She shook them off, steadied herself, and peeling her clothes of, hit the shower.

She felt grateful about the way water washed away every bit of emotion. If only it could wash away the past.

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: )

Featured image

Her naked body was blurry under the water. Her lungs screamed for air, anguish pressing her chest, but she refused to let go. She held herself, stubbornly,  at the bottom of the bathtub. The few minutes she’d laid there felt like hours.

The sound of music, she’d let play, came as mumble constantly hitting the bathtub, but never piercing trough it. The only sound she was aware of, was the beats of her heart, smashing angry against her ribcage. She felt the urge to let go. Just not be. It was her way of punishing herself.  She felt dirty. She felt wrong. Like her skin wasn’t hers. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d laughed for real. The only thing she saw in the mirror, whenever she held the courage to face herself, it was the crease between her eyebrows and the bags beneath her eyes.

She held there till the noises in her head and the throbbing in her temples stop. Until there was nothing, but silence.

By the time she succumbed the pressure, the water had gone cold. She drew a breath of fresh air and coughed, her throat aching.

She reached for the towel, wrapping herself in it, hiding the scars. She wiped in circles, the fogged mirror, revealing a face that looked so strange to her. She locked her gaze into the brown eyes that were staring blindly, whispering “I will breathe. I will think of solutions. I will not let myself break. I will simply breathe. I am enough.” hoping, that one day she’ll start believing.

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