In works…

Of all the nights, tonight the diner is full of laughter and conversations.

I’m tugging at my skirt again for what it feels like the millionth time, the leather material ridding up my tights showing more than I’m comfortable every time I fidget in my chair. I regret allowing Hannah to play dress up with me. I would’ve much rather had my black hoodie on, the one with frayed sleeves, that gramma passed on when I was accepted to Harvard University. The level of frustration pilling up inside me is overriding the anxiety of accepting this blind date in the first place.

My fingers are tapping impatiently against the blue tablecloth. My supposed date is late. There’s a subtle discomfort tugging at my conscience for keeping occupied a table while other people are waiting in line for food and a good time. Something I was promised to have but not delivered. I pull my phone out of my bag and text Hannah for the first time since I sat down.

“Who the heck is this guy Han? He is 15 min late. I cannot believe I let you talk me into this.”

The diner door opens and I look up distracted hopping that maybe my date is finally here. Disappointed tugs at my insides when the hockey team strolls in bringing with them a gust of spring breeze. A shiver runs down my spine and goosebumps settle on my bare forearms. They turn everyone’s attention with their loud laughter and sure one might say gorgeous faces. Every single one of them knows how to play a crowd and how to captivate a girl’s attention. There’s smugness in every inch of their bodies, which if I am honest with myself sometimes envy. It must be nice to know your spot in the world and the power it brings with it.

I sigh because this is exactly why I wanted to stay at home. It makes it easier for one to feel secure in their little bubble when one avoids confrontation with reality. I don’t date. Not after… I curb that thought as soon as it poops into my mind because nothing good can ever come out of it. I promised Hannah and dr. Sanders that this year will be different. That I will put myself out-here and see what comes out of it.

Jake Hawkins, captain of said hockey team is last to enter the diner. He’s sporting a pair of black cargo pants and the Harvard’s hockey team hoodie and I sigh because nobody should be allowed to look like that and walk unrestrained through the world. He laughs at something his teammates say and the dimple on his left cheek that pops every time he smiles is good enough to make a girl forget her name.

Not this girl.

The waiter comes to lead them to their booth. She’s in her early twenties with braided blond hair across her shoulder and a pretty girl next door face. Jake whispers something in her ear and winks at her when she giggles softly. I can see the blush flowering on her cheeks from across the room and I roll my eyes involuntarily. He turns around to scan the room and a pair of gorgeous green eyes stare me down in surprise. I can’t actually see his eyes from here. But I know how they look. Hannah has a Harvard hockey calendar right above her bed and his September photo has been with us for over a year now.

I realize I’ve been staring back at him for more than what should be appropriate when a frown of curiosity deepens between his brows and I experience an unexpected rush of heat, making its way down the tip of my toes I shift my gaze to my hand at the same time as Hannah’s message pops onto my screen.

“I am sorry Brie. He still hasn’t showed up yet? Alex said he’s a cool guy and you guys have a lot in common. I swear I’m going to cut his balls off for standing you up.”

I smile lightly at the show of solidarity. Hannah …. A throat clearing makes me jump out of my skin and I knock over the milkshake glass in front of me. I feel the pricks of embarrassment rising bright red onto my cheeks while I try to reach for the glass before it rolls off the table and dab the contents of the spilled milkshake from the tablecloth.

“Sorry for that” a masculine voice breaks through the blood pounding loud in my ears. “Also, sorry for being late. After the storm last night the roads are shit, and I had to drive slower than usual.”

Slowly I bring my eyes up to the person in front of me. He gives me a sheepish smile and sits down across from me. I nod in understanding. The storm from last night had left the streets damp and gleaming under the streetlights, and the fog that lingered the morning after was enough to scare someone to venture outside. The air was still thick with the earthy scent of rain-soaked soil and the chill of early spring.

“Hi. You must be Brieanne. I’m Drew.”

The sound of my name on his lips makes me wanna bail this date altogether. Nobody calls me that anymore and sometimes my full name brings a pang of distress inside my chest. But I shouldn’t fault him. He doesn’t know what that name brings with it. I’ve considered legally changing it a dozen times, but gramma Jossie chose it for me and she was my favorite person in the entire world. Sometimes I convince myself that I’m honoring her by not giving the past power to sink its dispair into me.

He reaches a hand towards me and I shake his back awkwardly.

“Hi. Just call me Brie. Nice to finally meet you, Drew.”

The same waitress that Jake winked at comes back to our table and takes Drew’s order. Another wave of laughter distracts me in the hockey team’s direction and it throws me out of balance when I notice that Jake’s eyes meet mine once again.

“Noisy bunch. Hockey players.”

The retort brings me back to my date but all of a sudden I’ve lost all interest and I just wanna get out of here. It does not help that my date keeps glaring at his phone.

“Somewhere important you need to be?”

I retort more bitter than intended. He looks back up at me and reaches a palm to scratch at his neck looking guilty.

“Not really.”

We look at each other uncomfortable not knowing how to continue with this conversation. A message chimes on his phone and now he’s texting back. I study him maybe for the first time he sat down. Light brown hair, reaching his shoulders. He’s wearing a blue blazer and a pair of grey checkered pants. His lips are pursed in a barely there smile and his eyes crinkle at the corners. Whomever he’s texting obviously has his attention more than I do.

“So… Alex says you’re studying literature at Boston University.”

He lifts a finger in my direction gesturing me to wait. A vein throbs painfully in my left temple. When he finally puts his phone down he looks at me puzzled as he forgot I was here.

“Right then. Do you wanna skip the pleasantries and go to my place? My friends are having a party and I think we’d be better off having some fun.”

He does not wait for my reply as his phone chimes again he’s now back texting.

“I was hoping to get to know each other better on this date that we’re at.”

I drawl the word date long enough to have his attention again.

“Look. You’re hot. I’m in for whatever this is. I just think we’re wasting our time in this crappy dinner when we could be having fun somewhere else.”

He checks me out from head to toe and smiles approvingly. He turns back to his phone and my eyes wander in Jake’s direction again. He catches my eyes and a look of pity flashes across his face. Anger is rising inside my throat and I look away.

Ok. That’s it. God, if this is you telling me this date was a bad idea. I got your message loud and clear. The last thing I need is Jake fucking Hawkins to pity me.

“This isn’t going to work out.” I blurt to my date.

“Oh. Don’t be like that. We’re just getting to know each other. If it’s that important to you we can stay.”

I’m too riled up to even consider sitting here for another minute.

“I think it’s best if I leave. You obviously have a party that you need to get to and I have an exam early in the morning. I think we should call it a night.”

“Jesus.” He drawls. “I can’t believe I drove half an hour for this shit.”

He raises his voice for the last part and heads are turning our way. Time for me to make an exit. My hands are shaking when I plant a 5 dollar bill on the table and grab my jacket.

“This was fun. Let’s not do this again.”

“As if. If I’d known you would be this bitchy about me being 5 minutes late, I would’ve skipped this altogether. Not even worth the ride.”

I am certain that people are staring at us and I don’t want this to turn into an argument. I do not need the attention. So I nod in his direction and I force myself not to run towards the exit. I keep my eyes glued to the pavement as I stalk towards my car.

This whole night was a mistake. I know I am escalating this exchange to the point where my knees might give in. But I wanted this date to bring me something. Comfort? Some sort of win that I finally took one step forward and maybe it will be ok to take another one? I don’t know. Or maybe I just wanted to be done with it and prove to the world that I, Brie Daniels do not belong in a relationship.

I can recognize a spiraling when I see one. Especially if I’m the one going down the rabbit hole. A sob slips through my lips as I reach the handle and pull angrily at the door. I slip inside the warm interior and stare at the wheel for a minute while my phone goes crazy in my bag. I inhale and exhale through my mouth to ease the scream that is lodged inside my throat. I finally reach for it and Hannah’s face fills the screen.

“Babe, what’s wrong? You haven’t responded to my last two texts and I started to worry. Brie…”

“I’m fine.”

My voice comes raspy and I flinch to the sound of it.

“He finally showed up 20 min late and he was a dick throughout our conversation.”

“Did he say something to you? Brie, I swear I’d cut his balls off if he was nasty to you. I’m soo sooo sorry for this. I was hoping you’d finally have a nice date and maybe you’ll get out more for a while. I promise I’ll make it up to you. Please come home. We’ll make some hot chocolate and watch one of those sappy movies you love so much.”

“I’m fine Han. I think the worst part of it was seeing Jake Hawkins pitting me. Who the fuck does he think he is? He doesn’t even know me.” I say more angry than intended jabbing at the steering wheel.

“Whoa. Back it up there for a sec Brie.”

I frown at her sudden outburst.

“What does Hawkins have to do with this conversation. Brie… did I miss something?”

I sigh.

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A thousand lies

– Why did you do it Annalee?

The media was in a frenzy, every each paper and article for the past few weeks covering the story. But truth be told, when it came down to it, he had a hunch nobody really knew her story. Sure there were records of her service, a good street cop, no family members alive, none they knew of, of course, but plenty of memorable mentions in the LAPD chronicles. Her colleagues described her as always being polite and involved in her service, but other than that she kept to herself.

She kept silent for over 4 weeks now since they’ve discovered the bodies. Or so he was told. He’d seen the photos of her victims. Nasty business he thought. Gruesome smiles were carved into their faces, their mouths sewn with fishing thread. The autopsy files revealed nothing more. The theory was she used Rohypnol with all her victims. They didn’t show any signs of struggle, and she sure as hell could not overpower a man twice her height with ease. Her last victim was a month old. A teenager, about his daughter’s age. The entire case was a shit show, and they had nothing on her, except the photos she hid in her locker room. He didn’t know what to make of that. Was she that balssy? Or just insane?

Annalee was questioned countless hours by LAPD and finally FBI stepped in. Nothing got through her. She refused talking to her appointed lawyer who tried his best to help her get ready for the upcoming process. She even refused her free call.

So, in all fairness, he wondered what exactly was he doing here and how was it that now he was across the table questioning her.

She looked at him with empty eyes and gave a resigned sigh.

Raising the cup of tea she was was holding in her hands, steam still rising over the plastic edge, she emptied it in one big gulp.

Her hair was tied in a messy knot over her head, curls spilling all over the place. The skin on her lips was cracked and reddish, like she’d been chewing at them a lot. She was wearing the standard orange uniform, and she’d been moved to a special unit, kept away for everyone’s safety.

She pondered for so long staring at the bottom of the cup, that he wondered if she would ever engage in a conversation.

Readjusting his slippery glasses for what felt like a hundred time, he shifted impatient in his chair. Readying himself to engage in another questioning tirade, she opened first with a croaky sound that startled him for a heartbeat.

– Before we get to the answer you are looking for, we need to go to the beginning of it all. It will not change the outcome and the things I’ve done. I am not looking for an absolution. I do not regret the choices I’ve made. But I need you to understand that someone had to do it. And for the longest time, the Annalee that’s sitting in front of you was as happy and hopeful about life as one could be being dealt with some shitty life choices.

She leaned over the table to look him square in the eyes. A vein throbbed alarmed on his right temple, but he stood still.

– Don’t worry Teddy, we’ll get to the bottom of this – she gave him a sympathetic smile, that did not reach her eyes.

At his 50 years old and 20+ years experience on the force, Edward Donovan prided himself with not being shocked by much anymore. He’d seen his fair share of gruesome crimes and dealt with despicable lowlifes. But hearing that name again, he felt all the blood drain from his face. His stomach lurched and the sudden feeling that his world would come crushing down and he had no control whatsoever, made it hard to breathe.

No one. Not a single person in his carefully crafted life called him Teddy anymore.

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Day’s end

She stepped barefoot onto the balcony, glass in one hand, bottle in the other. The tiles beneath her feet still held the warmness of the august sun.

Placing the glass on the coffee table, she poured about two fingers of whiskey.

She picked up the glass and downed the amber liquid in one gulp, then held herself very still for a moment. It burned her insides, but as it hit her empty stomach a pleasant warm glow radiated through her body.

Leaning into the doorframe, she watched the sun lower into the sky.

Days were melting into each other. Stacks of papers were covering both her office desk and the home one. She couldn’t remember the last time she had a good night’s sleep or a full meal.

The frustration of the stagnant investigation kept her out of focus and most often than she would like to admit, made her snap at her colleagues whenever she’d hit another dead end. Earlier in the morning, it seemed to be the last straw. The chief commissioner summoned her into his office and gave her a choice. She either took a day or two off or she would be pulled off the case. Not much of a choice there.

Not bothering this time with the glass, she grabbed the bottle. Taking another gulp, she took a step further, resting her elbows against the railing. The last time she got drunk, all those many years ago in Cabo, she fucked up badly. The scars on her back were a bitter reminder of misplaced trust.

The buzzing in her pocket pulled her out of her thoughts; a feeling of anticipation at the „No Caller ID” showing on the screen making her stomach twist. She held her phone to her ear, listening.

– I thought you quit drinking…

His familiar voice came at no surprise. She’d been expecting his call for a while now. What she didn’t expect was the jolt of longing that passed through her, making her nauseous. Still, she kept her composure, not a single muscle twitch betraying her feelings.

– I was never as good at suppressing my emotions. But that’s what made you the best.

She wasn’t sure what she wanted to do first. To smash her phone into tiny pieces or burst into the hysterical laughter that was burning in her throat. Maybe she ought to do both.

– I didn’t kill those people, Brie…

There was a crack in his voice, almost like a pleading.

Seconds stretched between them and she heard him sigh in defeat when met with more silence.

– It was good seeing you, he tried again, his voice going up almost like he was smiling. I guess this is goodbye. I hope you know… I never meant to…

She cut him short, crushing the flutter of hope rising in her chest.

– See you soon…

Ending the call, Brie tightened the grip on the whisky bottle, until the skin on her knuckles went white. She backed off from the balcony into the apartment, turning the lights on her way, until she was surrounded by complete darkness. A sob broke from her lips, and her palms pressed angrily against her eyelids to stop the tears.

She will find him, and he will pay. She wasn’t sure though if for the crimes he was accused of committing or for that night in Cabo.

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5 Stops

I was already two stops in, when he got on the subway. He sits across from me, staring out the window. A broken neon light flickers above us, casting shadows on his face. His eyebrows drawn into a troubled frown, perhaps of concern. I shift in my seat, stifling a yawn. The vein on his left temple throbs angrily, as disturbed by my sudden movements.

At his second stop, the subway doors open with a faint hiss, and a pregnant lady wobbles inside the wagon . He gets up, making room for her and her luggage. I thought he would leave on the third stop as he usually does, but he only moved further towards the door to hold the strap. I sneak glances at his reflection in the window, but his eyes are focused now on the subway floor.

At the fourth stop he stands aside for a group of kids to get out. I have to get off at the next stop and I am sad to leave him.

I step into the chill autumn air, shoulders drawn, making my way to the bakery shop. I stop at the red light, and my eyes shift to the side, unprepared to the sight of him, standing next to me. I want to say something, some boring comment about the weather, but I’m too nervous. Instead I half smile like a lunatic.

When the light changes, I hear him say „You shouldn’t be able to see me”. I startled, stumbling. He catches my arm, but instead of helping me, he pushes me into the crowd. „You shouldn’t have looked”. It’s growing dark and the buzzing in my ears won’t stop.

-Pinterest inspired

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