About loss

I’m exhausted.

My fists relax. Knuckles are covered in tiny cuts and little specks of red. Anger didn’t help. 

I drop flat on my back against the hardwood floors, legs beneath me, crossed at the ankles. Eyes closed, I feel the vein in my left temple pulsing frantically beneath the beads of sweat that are covering my skin. There’s a knot in my throat that I keep pushing down, threatening to overspill the pain that I haven’t let myself feel yet. Breathing is hard. 

– You ok?

There’s a shadow leaning over me. An unmistakable voice protrudes, uninvited, through the buzzing in my ears. The remains of the last night’s dream linger at the edge of my conscience. I’ve dreamed about him last night. I haven’t dreamed about him in forever. Returning home must’ve conjured memories of him, waiting patiently to engulf me in more self-pity and destruction. Tears prickle the back of my eyelids. The need to melt into another makes my insides twist with guilt. The need to be touched, held, and never let go again overflows and I catch a sob before I put a crack in the little self-control I have left.

I half nod hoping that the shadow will move. To my irritation the silhouette crouches next to me, taking away the only ray of sunshine that was playing across my cheekbones. The only warmth I’ve felt in months. I can feel my composure slipping away. The politeness that was hanging on a loose threat between my clenched teeth splinters and I sigh loudly, sending the particles of dust around me in a frenzy. 

Annoyed my eyes snap. Flecks of gold stare back at me underneath furrowed brows. Every thought inside my head dissipates like a sky clears up bright blue after a cloudy day. The world turns upside down and reality strucks hard between my shoulder blades, the skin beneath my shirt gets clammy and goosebumps rise against my flesh. suddenly everything comes back into focus. The music inside the gym blasts loud from the speakers making the floor shiver underneath me. The squeak of someone’s shoes running on the treadmill, the smell of sweat and the collective grasps of air from a zumba class hit me all at once. There’s this nauseating feeling that climbs inside my throat and my eyes become blurry. I take in a full gulp of air and I almost choke at the unexpected air that fills my lungs like a wave crushing angry against the shore. I lean against my forearms and I blink twice in confusion.

– You need some help?

I nod my head involuntarily and take his hand the flashes of the dream melting into the moment. Steady on my feet I look up and his smile grows deeper, revealing one perfect dimple.

– I haven’t seen you in a while.

His hand still holds mine, his thumb making small circles against my wrists. He stares at me for the longest time, patiently waiting for me to pull myself back together. The thing is… I don’t think I can do that anymore. 

– I was wondering if you wanna hang out sometime?

The question comes in unexpectedly. The same question I asked all those summers ago. 

– You wanna attend a funeral? the words slip bitter out of my mouth before I can stop them.

The flinch in his eyes makes me take a step back. Yes.. Taking steps back is good. So I take one more. I mouth half an apology and I don’t stop running until I’m home. 

The bedroom door is closed. I rest my hand against the cherry wood, right beneath the words scribbled in anger with a pair of eyebrow scissors. There’s a smile tugging at the corners of my mouth, images of a chopped blonde hair and storm brewing eyes gathering on the back of my eyelids. „Mind your business” A strangled laugh breaks out of me. She’s gone. And I don’t know how to exist without her.

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